march thirteen

 The soul, and I think any being, really wants to love, more than be loved. - Hafiz

 

I do not struggle often with the weight of anxiety. There are very few things that I let take hold of me for long without setting myself free. However, it seems as if every day I am weighed down by the anxiety of being 'good enough'.

I want to be a 'good enough' friend. I am very aware of the kind of friend that I am. I know I am 1000% faithful to the (often) bitter end. I speak the genuine truth from my heart and I believe that friends deserve the recognition of knowing their value and seeing how happy they make me every day. It took me a while to learn that the way that I show value and appreciation is not the same way my friends will reciprocate those feelings. For a while, I wanted to hear the words in return and when I didn't get them, I assumed that they weren't true. It wasn't until someone opened my eyes to the great things that my friends do for me that I realized, everyone has their own way of saying "you matter to me". They pointed out to me that I say it with words because the words come to easy to me. However, for others, words are difficult. I shouldn't expect someone to show their appreciation the exact same way I do.

Unfortunately, learning to see how someone else shows appreciation doesn't diminish the anxiety of feeling like you aren't good enough. Everyone has that awkward moment in a friendship when you're not sure if you you should call someone your best friend because you don't actually know if you're that person's best friend in return. You'll never be able to be inside of someone's head. You'll never know everything they are thinking and everything they are feeling. You have to learn to trust their actions and their words and have faith that what you know is true. The faith in the truth is where my struggle lies. I can hear the words on repeat and see the truth before me, but for a reason I don't want to admit, I have the hardest time believing it. I wish more than anything I could take it for what it's worth at the end of every day. But instead, I just have to remind myself that I am worthy of all the friendships I have and that the world is not filled with liars who seek out to make me think they are my friends when they actually aren't.

I guess we will never really know if we are truly someone's first friend. We may never really know if there is one person out there who will always choose you first, in every situation. But I see it as, we have two choices. We can let that anxiety of the unknown weigh us down or we can more forward and believe that to someone, we are the first friend.

We cannot choose everything simultaneously. So we love in danger of becoming paralyzed by the indecision, terrified that every choice we make may be the wrong choice. - Committed