september twenty-nine

Weekends with Bez

Spending time with my roommate and bezzy are some of the most relaxing and fun times I have in my life. Does that make my life extremely boring and lame? I don't really care. We have the best time together going to Target and doing absolutely nothing.  So the times when we get to do actual planned events on the weekend, those are the best.

Having a weekend where the two of us can hang out and work doesn't come in the way is very rare. We are usually thankful if we can get a Saturday OR a Sunday. This weekend we got a Saturday and a Sunday morning.

We went to a Rangers Game. 

It was my first Rangers game and one of the last in the last series of the season. A few days before, at the Stars game, I had acquired a small crush on Derek Holland. At the game, I solidified my crush. Derek was pitching, the weather was nice. It did start to rain but I tried my best not to let that bother me. I was so set on getting a Derek baseball-tee t-shirt but to my surprise, he is not as popular as I thought. Bummer. We left the game early to avoid the rain and head to Fort Worth to watch the LSU game.

I don't want to talk about the torrential downpour and life-risking experience on the road we had on the way to Fort Worth.  That is one thing in life that completely stresses me out and turns me into the kind of person I am embarrassed to show other people.

 

There isn't much to say about watching the LSU game (they lost). We did discover a new beer that we love which I am always thrilled about.

We came home that night and had no big plans so we puzzled. It was awesome. My favorite thing in a lot of friendships is being able to be physically together somewhere and not have to speak. Whether it's a party or a dinner or even just the two of you alone in a room or car. While we did this puzzle, I am not sure if anyone spoke for the longest time. I remember thinking how much I loved that moment- the comfort that comes from the silence.

september twenty-six

Bucket List Update

Attend an NHL game

As I am driving down the road on my way home, almost to my apartment, I get this weird feeling that someday soon, my roommate will probably tell me when I get home, "Hey, we are doing this tonight."

When I walk in the door she tells me "I almost had us tickets to the Stars game tonight. But then I said no because I wasn't sure if you had things to do." That is some serious irony. Then as we are going on with our night and driving down the road to go run errands, she says "We are going to the game."

Turn around. Go change clothes. Switch cars. Drive downtown. Gametime.

I can't say that I actually know the rules of hockey but I didn't really care. I was there for the experience, the free tickets and the inevitable fight that was bound to happen. 

Things I learned from this experience:

1. It is REALLY COLD at a hockey game.

2. I really love the AAC.

3. There is an Audi Club that is so spectacular.

4. Derek Holland is my favorite Rangers player. (See Rangers Post)

The third item on my list was the highlight of my night. Our tickets said that we had "Audi Club Access". While we were roaming around, Bez decided she was going to ask what exactly that meant.  The kind lady showed us that we could go up the secret escalators and we ended up in this club level that had all of these separate bars, restaurants and seating.  Having spent a lot of time at the New Orleans Arena, I wasn't expecting this. It was one of the coolest things I've seen.  Well done, AAC. One of the other really cool things was that you could walk out on to a balcony that overlooked Victory Plaza. Granted it was full of smokers, but it was a pretty cool experience.

september fifteen

Part of me thought that when I moved, I would not have many visitors. Granted, that is partially true, but within the first month of moving, I was blessed enough to be graced with the presence of just about all of my best friends.

The most surprising of all of these visits was Jenna. I feel like it has been ages since I've seen my one time college roommate. I always find it so odd how you can go from spending every single day with someone to not seeing them at all. Then years and years later, you can join together again like you never grew apart. This is one of my favorite things about friendship and my friendships that hold that quality are my favorite.

I was so thankful to be able to spend not only one night with her but also another day. I love that we can look at our two very separate lives and still compare them and the experiences we are having and all the ways we are changing. I love knowing that I can open up my new life to her and I can be so interested in hearing about hers. I love that old traditions are something we still hold highly in our friendship (pizza, award shows, DWTS). I love knowing I have a friend for life no matter how far the world may take her from me.

Our reunion called for homemade pizza, one of our most precious traditions.

september seven

The Crippling Companion

Wish that I could stay forever this young, not afraid to close my eyes. Life's a game made for everyone and love is the prize.

It is time to talk about the thing in my life that scares me more than anything in the world. It's time to talk about my anxiety. I am hoping that talking about it (with only myself, I am assuming) will make it a little easier, but who knows.

I know that everyone in their life faces anxiety. I know that people worry about things all the time. Unfortunately, I live my life in a constant state of anxious.  I am so deeply rooted in my emotions and the way I feel and the way I make others feel and all of that matters so much to me, that my emotions get the best of me day after day.

I worry constantly about things. I can say that there isn't much in life that scares me, it all just worries me. The list of things that worry me is long and drawn out and some of the things are stupid but it always ends up being the same 3-5 things that haunt me and bring on that crippling anxiety that causes me not to sleep and to feel like I can't even breathe in the room that I am in.

My job. I hopped right out of college hoping that I was going to bust out into the real world and prove myself and immediately start making differences in the lives of the youth of America. Well, I didn't get the job I dreamed of and I go to work every day feeling like I just can never do it completely right. It is discouraging and disheartening and I pray every day that I just become a little bit better and eventually get the hang of it. But that's the problem, I don't want to just 'get the hang of it'. I want to be the best. I have anxiety over whether or not my boss likes me. I have anxiety over whether or not I will be fired at the end of my probationary period. I have anxiety over whether or not the parents of my students think I am a joke.

Money. The worst of all. Money is an evil bitch that I wish didn't exist. I wish it didn't have such a firm hold on our lives. We let it give so much value to ourselves when it really makes no difference at all to who we are but all the difference in living our lives. How much you make doesn't define what kind of a person you are or how valuable you are in the world. However, if you don't make enough, it becomes really difficult to live your life. Why is it that life is so dependent on monetary value? These are the things that keep me awake at night and bother me day after day. Yes, yes, yes. I make enough money to survive and do the things I want to do, but I have this constant feeling that I will always be in debt to someone or something. I know that is the way the world works and I have to find a way to make peace with that.

Disappointment. The worst feeling I can feel in my life is knowing that I have disappointed someone. The feeling that I let them down. I didn't live up the their expectation. I hurt their feelings. And when I realize I did this, it kills me. I hate disappointing my parents. I don't like when they get less than they deserve from me.  The brought me into this world and taught me how to live my life right and when I pull the world out from under them and cause them discomfort, I eats away at me. I hate disappointing my friends. I hate disappointing my best friends. I try so hard to be the kind of friend I want to have in return. Unfortunately, 9 times out of 10, my friends are much better to me than I am to them. It saddens me when I don't live up to their expectations that they have of me. When I wrong them, I want nothing in the world but to make it right.

Love. This one is the saddest of all. And it is really sad that I cried to my boss the other day and told her that I felt like I wasn't getting enough love in my life. My mother claims it is because I don't love myself enough and that I am always running in search of something. I feel like I do my best every single day to make the people in my life feel valued. I want them to know how important they are to me. I believe that the kind things you do and say make a difference in a persons life. I believe that saying what is in your heart is the most important thing you can do. Unfortunately, no matter how much of that belief I try to push out into the world, I never feel like I get it coming back to me. That's what makes me anxious. It makes me anxious to feel like I may not be worth the love of others. I may not be worthy of the love of my friends. I may not be worthy of being told that I am worthwhile. And I may not be worthy of being the most important person in someone else's life. Those unfortunate haunting feelings drive me crazy.

I stare these things in the face every single day. I do my best to bury it in a place where only I know it exists. The last thing I would want was for my issues to become a problem for someone else. I am hoping that by finding a way to put it in words makes it easier for me to cope with it.