october thirty

30 Days of Thanks

In order to celebrate November in a more grateful and exciting way, I have decided to dedicate each day to something that I am thankful for. Some are very specific, some are very general but I hope that within this month I build a deeper gratitude and thankfulness for all the things in my life. 

I randomly chose the order of the things that I am thankful for. Some mean more to me than others but all of them are equally important and hold high value in my heart.

october twenty-six

Unconditional Love

For some reason, I have been doing a lot of thinking about unconditional love lately. It is so easy to say the words 'I Love You'. But what does it mean to truly love someone unconditionally.

unconditional- not limited by conditions; absolute

Unconditional love is love that never leaves. There is nothing that you can ever do to lose the love. It is forever. It is always. It is ride or die. It is for your entire life. For all the ways you can be wrong, for all the mistakes you can make in your life, those who love you unconditionally will be there for you always. 

I started thinking about those that I love without conditions. There is a very select few in my life I can say that I love without reservations, without conditions or limitations. My immediate family, my best friends. I will love them until my world no longer turns. I cannot imagine that they could do anything in this world to make me love them less than loving them with my entire heart. I know that people in this world make decisions that are difficult, they make choices which lead them down roads that are frowned upon. But in those moments, they are still the people we've loved for so long. They just took a wrong turn. And more than anything, in their times of difficulty and struggle, they need your unconditional love.  I can't imagine ever taking my love away from them.

And I started to think about if I am worthy of being loved unconditionally. I started to think about all the roads I have been down and all the ways I may have wronged the ones closest to me.  I wondered if I had traveled too far in the wrong direction.  How far is too far before someone starts to release their love?  I don't want to say that I feel as if I am chasing that feeling of unconditional love. But a part of me feels like I need it more than I should. I know that starts from within. I know I have to love myself unconditionally before I can ever allow or believe that someone else could love me that much in return.  I look at myself in the mirror and I think to myself, "Just as your name says, you are worthy of love." With that I set my feet right and move forward.  If I can love myself a little more each day maybe I can start to fill up that unconditional bucket until I feel it flowing out of me uncontrollably. 

Take some time to think about what is means to love without conditions. Think about those you love unconditionally. The feelings and answers you find may surprise you. Let your heart be open to loving someone for all the greatness they are and all of their shortcomings too.  There is only one person in this world who was ever perfect. You have to release your unconditional love into the world if you want to feel it loving you in return.

october twenty

Being away from your family is always difficult. Making the decision to move away for good and not know when I will see them again was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I think that the transition has been so bearable for me because I moved far away for college. There were months and months that I didn't see my family.  And here I have Bez. 

However, over time, that feeling of lonliness creeps in. I miss them and I know that they miss me.  I miss that feeling of familiar and that feeling of safety. I miss knowing that with them nothing can ever be that terribly wrong.  With Bez out of town for a really long time, I was feeling extra lonely and bored. The only thing that was getting me through was knowing that this period of aloneness was going to be broken up by a visit from Dad and Jessica. 

I can't say that over the weekend they were here that we did many things that were excitement worthy but just having them around made a world of difference. 

I picked them up from the airport Friday after work. By request, we headed straight to The Cheesecake Factory (no surprise). We had to do some waiting so I made sure to show them the extremely cool One Direction Build-a-Bear I want for Christmas.  We sat down to a very late dinner and for the first time ever we didn't eat our dessert at the restaurant- or even that night when we got home.  We spent the evening watching our favorite show (Criminal Minds). Going to sleep that night, it was lovely knowing that the people I love the most were within earshot.  It was calming and for the first time in all the time that I have lived in Dallas, I slept through the night without waking up and I didn't have that strange feeling I can't explain when I woke up.

Saturday we had a minor roadblock when we took my car to the dealership.  It was a hectic experience I don't want to relive but out of that experience it made me realize how loving and patient my father has become.  I had a meltdown in the car and he told me "It will all work it.  It's all going to be okay.  I am so proud of you." Those words live at the top of the list of greatest things you want to hear in your life.

We went to the FC Dallas game.  It was our first MLS game that we can all clearly remember.  We think we went to a DC United game once but no one is really sure.  The stadium is sunken into the ground and was something I had never quite seen before. They were playing the Seattle Sounders which Clint Dempsey plays for. Jessica and I were hoping for an epic goal by him but that didn't happen.  However, we did see someone celebrate their scoring achievement by taking their shirt off.

After the game, we were all extremely excited because we were going to the State Fair of Texas. It was an experience.  If you know me well, you know I am not a fan of crowds or traffic.  This was not the place for me.  We FINALLY made it to the fair and inside the gate after a very long time sitting in traffic and waiting for our tickets.  We didn't play any games or do anything spectacular. We were there for the experience. We were there to see the fair and Big Tex and eat a corn dog.  We accomplished all of these things and got the hell out of that madhouse.

I'm not even sure what we did on Sunday. I think we sat around and watched football.  It really doesn't matter. I loved having them here. I loved having a time where it was just the three of us. I missed mom incredibly but there is something special about spending time with just dad.

october thirteen

Bucket List Update

Carve a pumpkin

I really wish I could be starting off this post by crossing off two things from the bucket list, but instead it is only one.  We had this great plans to go visit the pumpkin patch and carve pumpkins but with the weather being so weird lately, all the other things we had to do and Bez leaving for two weeks, the timing just wasn't right. This, however, was not going to stop me from carving a pumpkin this October.

October is the greatest month of the year- except for maybe December.  I love the weather changing. I love Halloween. There is something about October that brings a really happy feeling to my soul. I wish October could last forever.

Last year was the first time I had ever carved a pumpkin in my life (shocking, I know). So this year, I went into the experience with the highest hopes and the most spectacular intentions.  My pumpkin last year was so magnificent.  I think I was actually in love with it.  This year, I had quite a difficult time making a decision on what I actually wanted to carve on my pumpkin.  My finally decision came down to an elephant, Harry Styles or Iron Man.  Bez decided on Captain America so I figured I would go with Iron Man and our pumpkins could be friends.

So we picked our pumpkins (not from the patch). I was kind of disappointed that they didn't have any really tall pumpkins. I am secretly (not really a secret now) partial to the tall geeky looking ones. That's a common life thread and a story for another day. 

Little did I know, I should have been picking out a pumpkin that was taller seeing as I had trouble getting my pattern to fit. First dagger in my road to a meltdown.

 

So my carving is coming along lovely.  I feel like a pro.  Then, my pieces decide to cave in and break.  At that point I had an actual meltdown.  I threw a large chunk of pumpkin across our living room. I sat down on the floor of the kitchen and was on the verge of actual tears. Bez stood there and just said "Get up and finish this pumpkin. It will be fine." I wanted to throw an epic childish fit over how it wasn't going to look good but I refrained.  I was moments away from tossing the entire thing in the trashcan but I realized, what good will it be if I don't finish it?

 Eventually I 'finished' my pumpkin.  It didn't come out looking like the pattern because I had to put some pieces back in that weren't supposed to stay in there.  Does it look like Iron Man? Sure.  Am I happy with it? Sure. Could I have done better? Hell yeah.

My pumpkin did not turn out as good as the one I did last year. And looking at the two pumpkins side by side I realize how much of a failure mine was. It makes me sad that the one of us that is supposed to be the more creative one failed miserably. I can't ever win.

There's always next Halloween.