april nine

As I approach 24 and I see all of the huge decisions I have to make in the coming months, I start to really freak out and ask a lot of questions about where my life is headed and what my life has been. I honestly think I am encountering a quarter life crisis- my big transition into adulthood.

I have a lot of questions on my mind which range from- 'Where do I want to teach?' to 'Have I made enough right decisions up until now, to get what I really want out of life?'

I am such a strong believer in fate and I keep telling myself that I am supposed to be right here, in this situation, at this moment. This is what I was meant to do. But I want to feel strongly about something, about a decision in my life. Because when I look forward and I think, where do you want to teach next year? I really don’t have a solid answer. I have the answer that I have had for years (Dallas), I have the answer my parents gave me (Mandeville) and I have the answer that I consider to be settling (Baton Rouge). But I still couldn’t tell you what the best decision is for me. I couldn’t tell you which one I want more than the others. All I know is that I want to be happy. I want to love my job. I want to have friends. I want a different life than the one I live now. (Not that the one I have now is unsatisfying, it just isn’t exactly what I WANT.)

And I guess my biggest fears are that I will end up alone and unhappy. I will end up in a new city where I have no friends and I will never make friends and I will never meet someone because I am stuck in school every day will females. Or I will end up back in Mandeville with my parents and the same handful of people I went to high school with, none of whom I want to marry. Or I will end up alone in Baton Rouge when all of the people I once called my friends move on to bigger and better things in their lives. And I was too afraid of change so I stayed and settled and once again, I end up alone.

When it comes to making a decision, I fear unhappiness and I fear loneliness. But the sad part is that out of the two, I fear loneliness the most. If I was not alone, at least I would have someone to share in the unhappiness.

So for now I’ve stretched my feelers out in all directions (or that’s the plan). I know that I am leaning more toward one decision over the other two and I think that makes moving forward easier. But even in the moving forward there are always going to be questions in the back of my head. Worries that haunt me and question if I am good enough, smart enough, right enough for all that I want to do. But I know eventually, I will have answers to these questions and I will be able to look back at this time and think, she was so foolish for ever doubting herself and her abilities.