The Struggle to Believe
Faith is confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives
us assurance about the things we cannot see. - Hebrews 11:1
To simply state that I have struggled with faith for a while is as easy as it gets. When I say ‘faith’ I mean both having faith in others and having religious faith. Due to my past experiences, I always build up the feeling that I’ve been jaded by faith. In my mind, I have been wronged by others so many times that somewhere along the way I lost my faith in the decency of humanity. I lost the belief that there are good people in this world who will treat you right. And at this same time, I lost my faith in God and the belief that there is someone always watching over me, protecting me, loving me and leading me down a set path to a perfect destiny.
I think this all started in high school and built upon
itself in college. I don’t place all of the blame on the world around me
because I know it was just as much my own doing as it was the worlds. I look
back on those days when I was the most jaded and cynical and I realize, as dark
as they were, I learned a lot about myself. I learned about the type of friend
I wanted to be and the type of friend I never wanted to have. I learned about
the kind of person I wanted to be in this world and the values that I hold
closely to my heart.
Overcoming the faith in humanity was a slow process but it
was easier than my faith in God. I could see glimpses of the good this world
had to offer and I slowly convinced myself that it was there, if I looked hard
enough for it. The thing that I have
learned lately though, which was the hardest thing of all, was that if I wanted
to live in a world of good, I had to be that good. I needed to set the example
I wanted to see from the world. It’s hard to look at a world that is so diverse,
with so many individuals, and learn to love it all. It has taken a lot of time and a lot of
growth for me to realize that although someone may not be living a life the
same as yours, it doesn’t make their life not worth living. We don’t hold the power
to judge someone else’s’ happiness and all we can do is be joyous in their joy.
Finding my faith in God has been a struggle since I was
younger. I used to try to convince myself that I felt the way everyone else
wanted me to feel. In time, I gave up trying all together. As my life evolved
and I found myself facing real challenges and dilemmas and having absolutely no
idea how I was going to make it out, I had nowhere left to turn but to Him. I
think He intentionally put the people closest to me in my life to always remind
me when I lost my way, that when I felt alone, I always had Him. I’ve learned
that lately. Those places I was, even on the darkest days, he put me there for
a reason. It was His discipline, His lesson, and He was molding me into a better
person.
I cannot say that my faith was restored by my own personal doing. Was it partially because of my own efforts? Of course. But I know I have three very important people in my life to thank.
First, my mother. She always reminded me that, even though I
didn’t want to believe it, God was always there for me. He brought me to every
struggle for a reason. He brought people in and out of my life to teach me the
lessons that made me into that person He planned for me to be. Every step I took,
she reminded me that those were planned steps on my map. She listened to me question my faith endlessly and never once gave up hope that I had lost it completely.
Second, my oldest friend. Indirectly, she was always a
guiding light for me. She always had so much more faith in others, herself and
her religion than I ever did. My admiration for her individually, helped me
realize that I had it in me to be a better person. Looking at her I was always
reminded that there will always be great people in my life. She always has and
always will embody a level of love, gratitude and faith that I try to strive
for.
Lastly, my best friend. She may not be my mother or my
oldest friend but from her I have learned the most about who I want to be in
this world. She helped me save the faith that I let myself lose. The faith that
I couldn’t bother to find, she restored in me. She opened my eyes to a kinder
and more loving world and is constantly reminding me to love everyone, even myself,
especially in the moments when it is most difficult. I think that she saved me
from the part of my life that confused me the most and she always seemed to
shine a light on my darkest days and held out a hand to lead me down a better
road.
I know it is a slow build and a constant progression. There will be more times in my life that I lose and gain more and less faith in others and in God but I should never let myself completely let it go. Because if you lose your faith in the things that are most sacred to you, what do you really have left?
God paid a high price for you, so don't be enslaved by the world. - 1 Corinthians 7:23
For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. - Ephesians 5:9
No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening- it's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong. -Hebrews 12:11-13
.JPG)
